Balak: Slapstick Comedy in the Torah

Balak – Slapstick Comedy in the Torah
by Jerry Waxman

This weekend the Torah portion was “Balak.”  Last week it was Chukat, and the first part was about the red cow.

In my opinion, the part about the red cow is a grand illustration of G-d’s sense of humor.  Here is a law that depends on finding a red cow – a real red cow – a rarity if there ever was one.

Then the mitzva can only be carried out  in Jerusalem, at the site of the Holy Temple.  And if carried out correctly it positively affects all who attend, but negatively affects those who perform the rites. 

Only one man in all of history has ever understood the deep meanings of this ritual.  That was Moses.  As with all other laws and events of the Torah, he received personal explanations from On High. And apparently with this law, Moses kept it to himself.  

Even the wisest man of all time, King Solomon, struggled with the secrets of the red cow and gave up. Moses, the one man who understood the deep meanings of the red cow ritual would never go to the Mount of Olives to see it performed. 

Maybe the secret is – it’s not so complicated.  The law is very clear. The instructions are simple and detailed.  So G-d and Moses orchestrate this very important mitzva for a laugh. It’s so important to all of Israel, yet there is very little chance it will be carried out in any particular generation. 

And scholars will always be scratching their heads about why we even have this law.  And maybe if they came as a group and asked Moses to please explain the law of the red cow, he might just say, “Don’t take things so seriously.”

Well, if the the red cow episode shows a hidden sense of humor – the story of Balak is outright comedy. 

It starts with Balak, King of Moab, running around flustered because Israel is encamped right next to him and he’s afraid they will wipe out  Moab the way they wiped out the Amorites.  The dufus doesn’t stop to think that maybe he should send somebody to the Israelites to negotiate. No, he sends a contingent to Balaam, a prophet.

Balak asked Balaam to curse Israel.   At first Balaam refused because G-d wouldn’t let him.  So Balak sent more dignitaries to Balaam – high class, rich dignitaries – and this impressed him. G-d said that Balaam could go with these dignitaries “if he wanted to.”  No matter what, Balaam would NOT be able to curse Israel. 

So why would Balaam want to go with the dignitaries even if he is unable to do what they wanted him to do?  He wanted money.  Maybe he also wanted to curse Israel.  Whatever he was thinking, G-d didn’t like it.

An angel came down to stop Balaam.  But Balaam, the prophet (or seer) didn’t see the angel.  Only Balaam’s donkey could see the angel. 

What follows is a script for slapstick comedy.  The donkey refuses to budge. Balaam slaps the donkey around.  Then the donkey runs into a wall, pinning Balaam’s leg.  So Balaam slaps the donkey around some more.  Then the donkey folds its legs and lies down.  Balaam slaps the donkey some more until . . . until…

The donkey turns around and asks, “What are you hitting me for?”  Balaam hardly notices that it’s a donkey talking to him.  He just says, “I oughtta kill you.”  To which the donkey says, “After all these years, after all we’ve been through together? You didn’t even ask why I wouldn’t go.  Don’t you see the angel standing there?”

Now I imagine the angel was having a good laugh when he took off his invisibility cloak, and let Balaam see him.  Okay, he could go to Moab.  But no cursing Israel. 

It’s not enough that Balaam let his donkey make a fool of him.  He goes to Balak all ready to make some money. Balak says, “Okay, do your stuff.  Curse Israel.”

Balaam proceeds to give Israel a blessing like Balak has never heard.  So Balak gets all frustrated and yells, “No, no, no!  What’s the matter with you? I said, ‘Curse Israel,’ not bless them.”

And they tried three times.  Every time Balaam opened his mouth he only gave Israel a bigger blessing.  So Balak fired him, and didn’t pay him a dime.

The story ends with Balaam giving us the moral of the story.  “Those who bless Israel will be blessed.  And those who curse Israel will be cursed.”

Now I imagine the donkey episode was supposed to tell us something, too.  Like, “If you’re thinking of going out of your way to do something wrong  for riches, maybe you should think again and keep your ass at home.”

Question: In this entire chapter, there is no mention of Moses. Nothing says, “And G-d spoke to Moses” or anything like that.  So how did this chapter get into the Torah?  Hmmm?

Tagged with: Amorites • Balaam • Balak • Bless Israel • Curse Israel • Moab • Red Cow • Torah

Filed under: About Israel

Like this post? Subscribe to my RSS feed and get loads more!